I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
