he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
