I accidentally burped into my bong.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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