I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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