Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
