I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
