I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
