In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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