We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you had me at cake vodka
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
