how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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