Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
