I wish I only lived at night.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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