well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wish you could order shots online.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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