Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
