ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
