I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
