last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Come share oat with me in your robe
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
