The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
