What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
