the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
