I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
