Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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