a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
