that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
