made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
