i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
