I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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