One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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