And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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