Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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