What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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