So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
