It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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