If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
