Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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