As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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