just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
