I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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