i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
