"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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