: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
