She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
