How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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