My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
