You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My ass is underappreciated
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
