just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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