Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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