if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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