Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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