we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
