i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
